Spirituality humour

 What's the meaning of life? But make it quick, I've got an important meeting in half an hour.

by Chris Madden

Link: The Open Hand Foundation

Tradition: None

· humour · spirituality · guru · teacher · mentor · student

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Link: FreeSangha Buddhist Forum

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism

Call my name

There is a story I would like to tell you about a woman who practices the invocation of the Buddha Amitabha's name. She is very tough, and she practices the invocation three times daily, using a wooden drum and a bell, reciting, "Namo Amitabha Buddha" for one hour each time. When she arrives at one thousand times, she invites the bell to sound. (In Vietnamese, we don't say "strike" or "hit" a bell.) Although she has been doing this for ten years, her personality has not changed. She is still quite mean, shouting at people all the time.

A friend wanted to teach her a lesson, so one afternoon when she had just lit the incense, invited the bell to sound three times, and was beginning to recite "Namo Amitabha Buddha," he came to her door, and said, "Mrs. Nguyen, Mrs. Nguyen!" She found it very annoying because this was her time of practice, but he just stood at the front gate shouting her name. She said to herself, "I have to struggle against my anger, so I will ignore that," and she went on, "Namo Amitabha Buddha, Namo Amitabha Buddha."

The gentleman continued to shout her name, and her anger became more and more oppressive. She struggled against it, wondering, "Should I stop my recitation and go and give him a piece of my mind?" But she continued chanting, and she struggled very hard. Fire mounted in her, but she still tried to chant "Namo Amitabha Buddha." The gentleman knew it, and he continued to shout, "Mrs. Nguyen! Mrs. Nguyen!"

She could not bear it any longer. She threw away the bell and the drum. She slammed the door, went out to the gate and said, "Why, why do you behave like that? Why do you call my name hundreds of times like that?" The gentleman smiled at her and said, "I just called your name for ten minutes, and you are so angry. You have been calling the Buddha's name for ten years. Think how angry he must be! 

by Thich Nhat Hanh

Link: GoodReads

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism

Non-existence

Says the Master to the pupil: “Do you understand that you don’t really exist?”
Upon which the pupil replies: “Whom are you telling that?” 

Link: Sujato's blog

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism · non-existence

Short history of medicine

"I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
2005 After the planned supplement legislation: That root is BANNED! Take this combination of pills and antibiotics! 

by Anonymous

Link: The Open Hand Foundation

Tradition: Multiple traditions

· humour · religion · medicine

Silence

Two monks were sitting in a cave. One was silent. The other one said, ‘I could have done that’.

Link: Sujato's blog

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism · silence · meditation

Slow

The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at Taronga Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slow walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door wide open and all the tortoises gone! “What happened?”
“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!” 

Link: Sujato's blog

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism · meditation · vipassana

The Other Side

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, "Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"?

The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, "My son, you are on the other side". 

Link: A View on Buddhism

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism

What happens after death?

Student: What happens after death?
Master: I don’t know.
Student: How can you not know? You are a Zen master.
Master: Yes, but I’m not a dead one. 

Link: Sujato's blog

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism · Zen · death

What is flapping?

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.

The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping."

A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping."

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."

The fourth monk, who was the eldest, said: "Mouths are flapping!"  

Link: FreeSangha Buddhist Forum

Tradition: Buddhism

· humour · spirituality · Buddhism · meditation · Zen